Well, all I can really start with is saying that before I knew it, my life shifted, with great speed I might add, and now I am looking down the path that is my second summer and my third year of college. Feelings of great nostalgia are certainly settling in, thinking about this time last year and what I thought right now would look like. I have got to say that I would not have put myself here; wishing for some more time with people who I thought I would be more invested in, missing people who I had no idea of their existence before eight months ago, and gearing up to go to Africa, of all places. Out of these three things, it has been easy for me to feel nervous, regretful, and a little sad. But above those, I have felt the love of old friends, the thrill of new, and the blind trust of obeying God’s call.
It is interesting how even in times where we feel as if we are waiting, or striving for something that is unattainable, the Lord fits in little blessings and reminders of His goodness. As if we are a desert, and the cracks in between each dirty part of our lives are being filled with water that is undeserved, yet much needed. This past semester has been the hardest yet, no question. But on the worst days, the days I felt as if I would be crushed by my own inadequacy, those were the times where I was sheltered by love the most. I would run into that friend who would give just the right words of encouragement, or see that person who just knew how to take my mind off of everything. In hindsight, I see so clearly how God-breathed all of it was. That every paralyzing sense of doubt was matched with the bondage-breaking love that people are only able to experience because of His promises and faithfulness. What an unbelievable love this is! Why have I not been rejoicing in this all my life?
As I have been shown more and more each day the the dry, dirty depths of my wretched soul, I have been that much more thankful for the cool rushing water of my Father’s faithful promises coming to fruition. Our lives cannot be lived alone. We require higher help, otherwise, why would we even look to God? To think that we can take our burdens on our backs alone and not be broken by them is to think that we can do just as good of a job as God can, which is absolutely ludicrous.
If this semester has taught me anything, it is that I cannot carry my life on my own. I am in desperate need of the One who can take the load off. I am in desperate need of my Savior to intervene and fill the cracks. I am in desperate need of God, and admitting that is the most relieving thing I have ever experienced. He is the one who gives everything that puts a smile to our faces, and we are spitting at those things, taking them for granted. And He is the one who continues to give, to fill those cracks, even though we have done nothing to earn such great fullness. These friends, old and new, are gifts of the best kind. I am thankful for them, for through them shines God’s bright goodness which points me towards Him.
As for Africa, I have yet to see what is being shown to me through all of this, but I do know that it is a great work being done. My trust in Him has required blinders, not knowing what the next turn will hold, and that’s how I have been able to be shown so much already. I cannot even wait one bit for the plane to take off, sending me to Kenya, but I could not have been so prepared if I had not begun to see that I am being filled. That I am cracked, dry, desert, and I need to be reminded of the goodness that is filling me up and restoring me.
Father, restore me. Show me your goodness and my need for You daily.